Independence Is More About Strength

"We think to be grown up we must be independent and not need anyone and that's why we're all dying of loneliness. / How wonderful to be needed. And great to need!"

The above quote is from "Living, Loving and Learning" by Leo Buscaglia.

 

I disagree with it - it goes against everything I've ever been taught.

I grew up the third child of a single mom. Her choice. She, along with my widowed great aunts, was my role model. My grandmother and my friends' moms, were all still married and yet independent and strong in their own rite. I saw both sides of this independent thing.

Looking back, these women probably didn't need anyone except their kids. And they were strong enough to know their babies would fly from the nest eventually. 

Independence for me has more to do with strength. It doesn't have to mean loneliness. To be strong, you must be dependent on the self. When you're strong, you have yourself. You are your best friend. You don't need all the time. When you are your best friend, there is no loneliness. There is no dying of loneliness because you either have yourself or stand up for yourself and seek companionship. Which comes back to the self taking care of the self and depending on the self. 

It has little to do with need. To be strong sometimes you have to be weak and depend on others, to ask for help, to humble yourself to be dependent. That need is a decision. 

So yes how great to need and to be needed - by the self. How wonderful to be strong enough to say, "I need help..."

For me, to need and to be needed are selfish, to an extent. I don't want to burden someone else with MY needs when I'm capable of taking care of me. They have their own needs. I don't want to feel good about myself when someone is in need of me. I'm there for them and will do everything in my power to help, but for their glory - not mine. Rarely to I walk away from helping someone patting myself on the back for a job well done. I am more concerned with the outcome. 

I don't want to be needed by anyone who is willing and able to take care of themselves. However, I love it someone strong enough to come to me and say, "Can I cry on your shoulder for a bit?" or "Will you teach me how to..."

I will not force myself on someone who I perceive needs me. That's not fair. Maybe they just need time and space to get their ducks in a row or back in a row. 

I have me. I'm strong and can talk to me about anything and everything. I have me to tell me when I need someone. 

I'm not dying of loneliness though I grew up thinking I had to be independent and I don't need anyone. It was taught and learned. I also grew up knowing I am strong enough to be dependent. I realize there are those out there who are. And I am here for them if they need me.